So I curled up and wept.
I wept for all those I had failed, the tears silent apologies.
For Sophia, and my inability to change 'depressed' no matter which media we used to talk.
For Gemma, the one who listened, and who I could never help up.
For Kas, who claimed I was amazing, who I never could help.
For Matthew, who's heart I broke. And who was right to call me a moron.
For Zafira, feeling unwelcome and unwanted despite my best efforts.
For Danni, and all those times.
For Elleni, Star, Mithria and everyone else, always having to hear me whine.
I wept for my offline friends.
For Chloe, whom I always pissed off.
For Grace, who I teased and bullied, bringing her close to tears much to often.
For Naoise, who I'm fairly certain Hayes me secretly but is too nice to admit it.
For Ed, having to sit with his ex.
For Darnell, who I hardly saw except on the bus or when I was having some of his drink.
For Emily, who only contacted me for homework and so she wasn't alone walking to school.
I wept for Mum, unable to even let me hug her as she cried.
For Adam, having to live with an 'idiot'.
For Kayleigh, who moved out to avoid me, and only likes my visits because it means she doesn't have to cook.
For Nathan, who was off the rails and never even saw me anymore.
For Connor, having to live with a 'selfish and evil girl.'
For dad, who threw away happiness for us.
The list for whom I wept goes on, but I cried until I was raw.
Is this the girl you 'love', on mother?
The one 'forged of fire'.
Is the the child you praised, oh mother?
Black soul reflected in baby eyes.
Silente, I love you, and you can whine to me as much as you want. It's not 'having to hear you whine.' It's 'getting the pleasure of being in your company whilst feeling guilty about whining to YOU (and relying on you to give me orders XD).'
ReplyDeleteAlso, sometimes, we can't change things. Sometimes, we will try our hardest, our hardest won't be enough, and we will fail. That is just life.
The main reason I admire Kaladin so much is because of how effective he is. How he decided to make some people's lives better even though it was an impossible task, and he did it. But I was reflecting today, and I realised that when I admitted it to myself, Kaladin wasn't really all that incredible, and even though he'd done incredible tasks . . . yes, partially he'd done it by trying very hard and not giving up (which is also a flaw of his as well as a good thing), but really, the only reason he succeeded is because he has magic abilities and everyone's so impressed by his magic abilities that they idolise him. If anyone else who wasn't magic had tried to do what Kaladin had, they would a) be dead and have changed nothing, b) be dead and have changed nothing, c) be dead and have changed nothing, d) be dead and have changed nothing, e) be dead and have changed nothing -
*skips a few*
- p) have failed due to lack of ability to change anything due to not being magic, q) have failed due to lack of ability to change anything due to not being magic, r) have failed due to lack of ability to change anything due to not being magic -
- you get the picture.
You are human, Silente. Well, as far as I know. You don't have magic powers. And so, therefore, even if you try as hard as Kaladin to protect people (which I wouldn't advise, because like I said it's also kind of a flaw, both him being so torn-up whenever people die even though it's not his fault and his maddening stubbornness once he sets himself on something), you could not just snap your fingers and make the world a better place. If you could, you would not be human.
TBC
HOWEVER, to use another Kaladin metaphor . . .
ReplyDeletelike I said, he kind of has a thing about protecting people. And he also has thing about not wanting to fail. It sounds really wonderful and beautiful, but really, he saves peopel to save himself, because if he didn't try he couldn't live with himself and because if he didn't care about anythign he'd sink back into depression and depression scares him.
And this would all be fine, if he didn't pick the most likely people to die to protect. Seriously. Whenever he randomly decides to take care of another weak person who shouldn't last more than a few days, you just feel like slamming your head into a brick wall.
And whenever anyone he was meant to be protecting dies, Kaladin feels like he's failed. He felt he was cursed, actually. He felt he was cursed not to be able to protect people. He just keeps thinking Why can't I save them?, because he feels like no matter how hard he tries, people just keep dying and he feels like it's his fault.
But when Kaladin fails to realise is all the people he DID protect. He has probably saved the lives of /hundreds/ of people, and I'm talking literal numbers here. When someone dies, he thinks Why couldn't I protect him? He doesn't look behind him and see the line of steadfast followers he has, following him because he protects them and they would be dead or worse without him.
So my point is -
you're wonderful, Silente. You're a wonderful human being, and don't you tell me I don't know this, because no, I'm not in your head, and I'm not in your life, and yes, all your are is words on a screen, but I read those words on a screen and I see how wonderful you are and I know that even if you were someone like Alastair who had no physical body and all you were WAS words on a screen, the world would still be a better place with you in, and I am still eternally glad that you exist.
Don't look at the dead bodies lying in front of you, Silente, because no one can protect everyone, even if they're magic like Kaladin (which most people aren't). Look behind you at all the people you did protect, all the people you helped - in big ways or in small ways.
(And for the record, the people you haven't saved are also those who you've saved. Most of the people in those list up there you have helped. Just because you haven't fixed them doesn't mean you haven't helped to tape them up, and it doesn't mean the taping up isn't significant.)
I love you Jai, you never have to cry for me. Whine or complain all you want to me.
ReplyDelete*hugs tightly*