Is life just one big gimmick?
Is there something in it?
I don't know.
Is life just about fact?
This means this and that.
I suppose so?
What am I doing wrong?
Writing this weird "song?"
I doubt it.

I don't know how to ask for help.
Well, I know how to, because that is simple.
I guess I just don't know how to allow myself to ask for help.
How to say "can I talk to someone"

I sit and stare at my phone, mouth silently opening and closing.
It's no use. You won't speak.

I can't make people with bigger problems listen to my whining.
So recently I've taken to writing post's I'll never publish, then deleting them. At least then I get to vent, just to open space. To nobody. To the sarcastic persona I characterize here.
That would be MS Sarcastic Persona to you.
 Sometimes I think about leaving. Not leaving home, or life, but leaving the online.
I don't know why I think of that, all my support is here, online.
Most, not all. Idiot.
Whatever. But it's true, the majority of my support comes from my online friends.. leaving would only hurt me and them.

It ties into my self sabbotage theory.
I think that I sabbotage myself, stop myself from being who I can be.
I've had two main turning points in my life so far, both being when I moved school. At my first primary school I was content, I was happy. A sweet little smart duckling. The I moved to a different primary school and, well I became quite violent. I settled down again upon going to secondary school, but I do wonder where my self sabbotaging went, and also where all that anger and violence went.. and where it started..

I'm going to post this. I've decided I will.

Dreams

Neil, Gareth, Demon Grace, Demon Nathan.
Neil - Wore leathers, had knife, talked about how he enjoyed being tall and about how good a deal he got on the clothing except for the boots which were specially made for him.
Chloe read where we shouldn't damage school wise. We realized time was basically up and ran to the circle. Told the teachers to prepare as we hadn't told them and they didn't believe us.
Gareth - Just before he became a demon. Had a G on the side of his head, tattooed three. Was wearing school uniform. Exploded head and body into fire.
Everyone ran away from him, a select few ran towards him.
Demon Grace - Was now the demon. Glowing faintly like a flickering flame and tanned. Had claws which retracted, as did I and Chloe. Demon Grace attacked others then laughed and turned to me. 'Why do I always end up fighting you!' Scratching, painful claws. The pain made me laugh. "I don't know!" More scratches.Started pretending to play fish. 'Do you have any twos?' "Go fish!" 'Let's see shall we! Two of hearts, one, two of spades, two, two of diamonds, three!' Claws for each card. Face and chest hurts. Started exchanging scratches, still calling out cards, laughing. Badly hurt, grabs demon Grace from behind and gets lots of scratches in. Gets one more than Grace then bell is called, fighting stops. Looking smug.
Walk over to near the wall, grinning, scratched but not badly. Professional looks grim, holding baby.
Demon Nathan - Tanned and holding a baby, flickering, grinning. Accidently sets baby on fire but baby is fireproof so it's okay. Looks energized.
Professional hands human Chloe, no claws, the baby.

So I had a weird dream. Grace is on of my best friends, Nathan is a long ago ex. Neil is a family friend and Gareth is a friend. If dreams have meanings I'd love to know that ones. I was a demon I think.. but I was human.. idk. Dreams.

I don't usually remember my dreams either.. Maybe this one's important..

You are scum
I tell myself this, having finished my book.
You are a sadistic bitch who belongs in the dirt on her knees. Always getting things handed to her.
Its true. I am..
Slowly I turn to my phone, I load up the page.
About 2 hours I've been gone.
Too bad no one noticed or cared. Because no one does care.
That's not true. People do care.
You just don't care enough to believe them.
My only reply, a sigh.
Load up the blog to make this post.
Of course no one's commented.
Mmm. The back of your leg is soft. Tender. Smooth. Perfect spot for-
No. I promised I wouldn't. Plus the sting wasn't as good as the pain from a scratch.
Facebook message..
Yeah. Course I'm okay. Always..
Even when I'm not.
...
*sighs*

M

M has stopped talking to me.. guess I should be relived.

Yeah right.

I doubt anyone's reading, but sometimes I wonder if other people plan what they'd put in their last notes to their parent/family.

Hi I'm leaving bye?

No. Thats just.. not it.

I'm trying to figure what to ramble about..

Oh pity me I've a decent life with a decent upbringing oh it's so upsetting that I'm better off than others!

I hate myself.

I'm sad about art.

Really, I can't say anything..

I shouldn't post this, but I will. I doubt anyone cares but.. Oh well. Maybe a sadist will stumble along this and laugh for a while.

'Least I've done som'in' half decent them..

All I am is mean, and a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life..

"An I can see you years from now in a bar.
Talking over a football game.
With that same big loud opinion
Jai, no bodies listening.
You're washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things."
Hmph..

Tada. Wands. Not mine, just neat..

I Feel Like Sh*t

Maybe its just me. Maybe I'm just insane and imaginfing stuff. I wouldn't be surprised, it runs in the damn family after. But either way recently I really have felt shit. Like everyone has been ignoring me.
I know that's not fair. The logical part of me is saying it's not their fault. They have homework and jobs and God knows what else to do.
They have lives with real friends who they actually like and value.
Its not their fault they aren't as sad and pathetic as you.

...
*sighs*

I miss them. All my friends.. Blogland recently has been falling apart. I'm not strong enough to hold it together.

Few people seem to ever reply to me anymore. Maybe they get bored of me. I'd have gotten bored of me. I am bored of me. Have been a long time. So yeah, I understand that.

And as usual I make a small comment then quell my emotion again. Dismissing it as girley drivle..
Probably because it is really.

Yes. I'm feeling down. But not as down as others. I'm sorry to those who have it worse and yet I still complain about my sh*t.
Doesn't matter.

Bye. Maybe later.

Diary

So I curled up and wept.
I wept for all those I had failed, the tears silent apologies.
For Sophia, and my inability to change 'depressed' no matter which media we used to talk.
For Gemma, the one who listened, and who I could never help up.
For Kas, who claimed I was amazing, who I never could help.
For Matthew, who's heart I broke. And who was right to call me a moron.
For Zafira, feeling unwelcome and unwanted despite my best efforts.
For Danni, and all those times.
For Elleni, Star, Mithria and everyone else, always having to hear me whine.

I wept for my offline friends.
For Chloe, whom I always pissed off.
For Grace, who I teased and bullied, bringing her close to tears much to often.
For Naoise, who I'm fairly certain Hayes me secretly but is too nice to admit it.
For Ed, having to sit with his ex.
For Darnell, who I hardly saw except on the bus or when I was having some of his drink.
For Emily, who only contacted me for homework and so she wasn't alone walking to school.

I wept for Mum, unable to even let me hug her as she cried.
For Adam, having to live with an 'idiot'.
For Kayleigh, who moved out to avoid me, and only likes my visits because it means she doesn't have to cook.
For Nathan, who was off the rails and never even saw me anymore.
For Connor, having to live with a 'selfish and evil girl.'
For dad, who threw away happiness for us.

The list for whom I wept goes on, but I cried until I was raw.
Is this the girl you 'love', on mother?
The one 'forged of fire'.
Is the the child you praised, oh mother?
Black soul reflected in baby eyes.