All I am is mean, and a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life..

"An I can see you years from now in a bar.
Talking over a football game.
With that same big loud opinion
Jai, no bodies listening.
You're washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things."
Hmph..

Tada. Wands. Not mine, just neat..

I Feel Like Sh*t

Maybe its just me. Maybe I'm just insane and imaginfing stuff. I wouldn't be surprised, it runs in the damn family after. But either way recently I really have felt shit. Like everyone has been ignoring me.
I know that's not fair. The logical part of me is saying it's not their fault. They have homework and jobs and God knows what else to do.
They have lives with real friends who they actually like and value.
Its not their fault they aren't as sad and pathetic as you.

...
*sighs*

I miss them. All my friends.. Blogland recently has been falling apart. I'm not strong enough to hold it together.

Few people seem to ever reply to me anymore. Maybe they get bored of me. I'd have gotten bored of me. I am bored of me. Have been a long time. So yeah, I understand that.

And as usual I make a small comment then quell my emotion again. Dismissing it as girley drivle..
Probably because it is really.

Yes. I'm feeling down. But not as down as others. I'm sorry to those who have it worse and yet I still complain about my sh*t.
Doesn't matter.

Bye. Maybe later.

Diary

So I curled up and wept.
I wept for all those I had failed, the tears silent apologies.
For Sophia, and my inability to change 'depressed' no matter which media we used to talk.
For Gemma, the one who listened, and who I could never help up.
For Kas, who claimed I was amazing, who I never could help.
For Matthew, who's heart I broke. And who was right to call me a moron.
For Zafira, feeling unwelcome and unwanted despite my best efforts.
For Danni, and all those times.
For Elleni, Star, Mithria and everyone else, always having to hear me whine.

I wept for my offline friends.
For Chloe, whom I always pissed off.
For Grace, who I teased and bullied, bringing her close to tears much to often.
For Naoise, who I'm fairly certain Hayes me secretly but is too nice to admit it.
For Ed, having to sit with his ex.
For Darnell, who I hardly saw except on the bus or when I was having some of his drink.
For Emily, who only contacted me for homework and so she wasn't alone walking to school.

I wept for Mum, unable to even let me hug her as she cried.
For Adam, having to live with an 'idiot'.
For Kayleigh, who moved out to avoid me, and only likes my visits because it means she doesn't have to cook.
For Nathan, who was off the rails and never even saw me anymore.
For Connor, having to live with a 'selfish and evil girl.'
For dad, who threw away happiness for us.

The list for whom I wept goes on, but I cried until I was raw.
Is this the girl you 'love', on mother?
The one 'forged of fire'.
Is the the child you praised, oh mother?
Black soul reflected in baby eyes.

Dreams and Despair

Dreams are a funny thing aren't they..people say they tell you things, if you have the mind to listen to them..

I certainly hope that isn't true.

See lately my dreams haven't been so sweet, and nor has their message. It isn't exactly making me feel good.

She's a wimp. She shakes and curls up and had a weird weak feeling.
They all seem to be saying the same thing and I..I've been told that it's not true. Many times. But..Well. Somethings are suggesting otherwise.
Oh stop being a cry baby.
Sorry. Anyway..I just..wanted to wish you all good dreams..Because bad dreams only lead to despair..And you all deserve better.
Goodbye weird humans who read this.

HELP ME!

Hello everyone.

Guys help me she cra-

SHUT UP! As I was saying, hello. I do hope everyone is well and has had a good day or has a good day depending upon the time at which you are reading this.

You can't gag me forev-

Hush. Don't make me punish you again. Just sit nicely while I talk to the nice readers.

HELP RE-

ENOUGH! No more talking from you!

What are you..No. Not that. Don't touch that! HEY DON'T TOUCH THAT PLEASE I'M SOR-

*snaps something in the mind*

Good. No more pesky her. It's nice having her gone.

*looks at the readers and grins*
Anyway. Where were we? Ah yes. 'Rambling.' Not my favorite activity, I prefer structure, organization.  I would like very much for you all to comment on subjects for me to state my opinions if you would. I shall see you all soon I hope. Stay safe.

Duggy

Okay! I haven't rambled in a while!
Good.

So now I'm gonna ramble again!

Awww.

So, I have many many many things to ramble about and very little rambling time. So! I'm going to ramble about..

*drum roll*
Duggy!

She means Dugglyn.

So far you've commented on ALL my ramblings and you're a great friend! You're Be The Glue's biggest fan and I STILL haven't gotten around to writing that autograph for you!

Yes you've been busy doing nothing.

Precisely!

You shouldn't be proud of that.

Oh yeah...

ANYWAY! She is ridiculous and amusing and CARZY!
Crazy.
Nope! Carzy! She is the one who came UP with the term carzy so, you know, thanks Dug!
Be glad it isn't copyright.
Yep *is glad* Any who..
Dugglyn...
Yeah. Dugglyn. DUGGLYN THE GREAT AND POWERFUL!
That's Oz.
Shut up. Dugglyn is actually quite caring, even if she has completely lost the plot. And her marbles.
I doubt she ever had her marbles.
Hey don't be mean! 
Just keep rambling.
I wonder if Dug has to put up with a voice like you..
Put up with me? Whatever do you mean?
Why ARE you in my head?
No reason.
Are you evil?
You're going off track.
*narrows eyes*
That's not an answer.
Talk.
No.
Fine.
What are you doing? DON'T TOUCH THAT! HEY WHAT ARE YO-


...


Ah. Silence is bliss. See y'all reeeeeal soon readers.
*screen blacks out*

Okay..

I want to talk about Elleni. And also about Sophia and Chi. And Star.

These four girls, they mean a lot to me. Each and everyone of them is my sister. And they help me so much in ways they can't even imagine.

I talk to Sophia the most by far, she can be scary, if she wants to be. But each day she somehow puts up with me. She makes me feel better about myself as best she can and even help's me in physics. Sometimes. I don't think I would still be around without her, she has made a big difference. Granted most people who know her hate her or dislike her but..she's not all bad, you just have to give her a chance.

I roleplay with Elleni, mainly over email. Most people roleplay on the blog but I email as well. Not a day goes by where me and El don't rp via email. Granted I don't tell her what's wrong much, despite her persistence, but she is still a sister. I don't really know what to say about her, except that she's amazing and I'm lucky to know her.

Star...well I hardly ever talk to Star. But I love her analytical sides, her bright mind, her bubbly personality, everything about her screams love and care. You can't help but love Star. It's who she is,

And Chi...my darling Chi. My first blogsister ever. I love how we started out as enemies, how we become sparing partners, how we then become fangirl friends. And how now we're sisters. I don't see her at all really, but the times I do see her brighten my day. She is the queen of ice, and one of the best friends I have. She is lucky to have found love so young and I wish her luck in life.

So that's my talk about them, my sister.

Don't thin because you aren't mentioned here that you aren't loved, you are. But I needed to say these words, to credit these people. They all mean so much to me and it's because of them I'm alive. Sorry for such a serious post. See y'all reeeeeeeeeeal soon.